Author of books like No More Misbehavin' and Don't Give Me That Attitude!, parenting expert, educational psychologist, Today show contributor and mom, Dr. Michele Borba posted this interesting and helpful article on her website blog on how to get your kids talking.
14 Parenting tips to help you get beyond the “Nope,” ”Yep,” and “Fine” kid response.
Does trying to get your kids to open up about their day feel like an inquisition? Do you feel like you’re giving your kid the third degree to tell you anything about their life? If so, studies show that using different communication techniques can help kids open up and share more about their life.
You: “What did you learn today?” Kid: “Nothing”
You: “Do you have any homework? Kid: Nope
You: “Did you make a new friend?” Kid: Yep
If this sounds at all familiar, don’t despair. There are ways to get children to talk about their school day and even give us a clue as to what’s going on in their world. The trick is to use a few different communication strategies. Find ones that work best for you and your kid and then practice the same one over and over until they become second nature. Also: expect only a gradual opening up–never an over-night change.
14 Tips to Get Kids to Open Up and Talk More About What’s Going On in Their Lives
- Wait at least a half an hour. Kids are generally drained and strained the moment they walk in door. So wait at least 30 minutes to start talking about school. Give your child a chance to decompress and have a snack, take off the backpack, and just breathe.
- Don’t turn questions into a third degree. What would make you want to open up and tell her all those details? The same rules apply to kids. Big kid turn offs: pushing, prodding, demanding, coaxing,lecturing and threatening.
- Look interested. Think of how your best friend asks you about your day. Use her example. Make sure you are relaxed and appear genuinely interested when you speak to your child.
- Ask questions that require more than yes or no. “Do you have homework?” ”Did you give your speech?” are questions that make your kid only have to answer with a yes or no response. So pose questions that require your child to respond with more than just yes, no, nope, sure, nothing, fine.
- Don’t use the same questions. A big kid turn off is hearing your same old predictable: “How was your day?” query. So be creative. Churn up those questions so your kid knows you are interested!
- Stop and listen. The nanosecond your child utters ANYTHING related to school, stop and give your full presence. Catch any little nugget of information and make it seem as though it’s a gold mine. Kids open up more when they think you’re interesting.
- Stretch conversation with “invitation openers.” If and when your child shares a detail try using the “stretching method.” Don’t push or prod but instead use these type of comments: “Really?” “Uh huh?” “I don’t believe it!” “Wow!” They’re not threatening and invite a talker to open up.
- Repeat talk portions. Try repeating bits of your child’s conversation: Child: “I played on the swing.” You: “You played on the swing.” The trick is to repeat the tidbit in a matter-of-fact but interested way to get your child to open up and add more.
- Make your house kid-friendly. Many parents swear they find out more about school from their kids’ friends than from their own child. So invite your child’s friends over. Keep the fridge stocked with food. Set up a basketball court (or whatever you need to keep those kids at your house). And then be friendly (but not intrusive) to the friend. You may find that not only do the friends open up more, but your child will tag onto the friend’s conversation.
- Get on the school website. Find out what’s going on in your kid’s school world: read the teacher newsletters, click onto the school calendar, read the school activities schedule and menu. You can then ask specific questions about your kid’s day.
- Go into your kid’s time zone. Find out when and where your kids are most comfortable talking and use those as jump off points to get the conversation rolling about the school day.
- Sit side to side. Boys as well as more timid, sensitive kids are often threatened with the “let’s sit down and chat about the day” routine. Try sitting side to side instead of face to face (which is less threatening).
- Talk while doing. Some kids (especially boys) are more likely to open up while doing something they enjoy like shooting baskets, eating ice cream, drawing, or building Legoes. So get that chess board out!
- Put yourself into the mix. My girlfriend vowed to turn her kids’ “Nope.” “Yep. ”Nothing!” type comments around. The one thing she said finally did the trick was to share her own day . She waited until everyone was relaxed and used the family meal as a time to review everyone’s day. She always began by describing her experiences using a natural conversational tone. It took awhile but pretty soon her kids looked forward to her descriptions and began to open up about their own days.